Listen to "Closed Hearts Don't Get Closure" on Spreaker.

“This is going to be YOUR year” is a popular NYE message that many receive in different ways. For some, this notion sparks a renewed sense of hope if they experienced various hardships the previous year. For others, the New Year can feel like yet another one of taking L's if things get worse.

For me, 2016 felt like the worst year of my life by the end of January! I lost two uncles in one day, the next day I finalized my unwanted divorce and two weeks later, my Mom received a second cancer diagnosis. Imagine going from one devastation to another in less than a month! I went from broken to beyond broken, then numb.

I didn’t think I could come back from it.

Grieving the loss of my marriage, all of the family that had transitioned since that January, and my old identity led to a period of deep depression for almost two years. Though I was moving about as a functioning adult, only my therapist and a few close friends knew the truth. I was on an emotional downward spiral. I had hit rock bottom.

Four years later, I now know that I have been restored and have a renewed outlook on life. I have traveled the world, published books, launched brands, and have relocated across the country without any regrets or hang-ups. What I am certain of is that you, too, can bounce back from anything you choose.

The caveat?

You have to choose to get up!

I chose to heal myself to be better for the next relationship. I knew that I could love again, but don't get it twisted. I share the same sentiment as the late Aretha Franklin in her 2011 interview on the Wendy Williams Show. When Wendy implied that, the Queen of Soul had the capacity to fall foolishly in love like any of us; The Queen replied,

“I’m not going to be stupid anymore.”

Neither will I! I will let truth and wisdom guide my choices in a new partnership.

However, it took a while to be open to the possibility of love again. In the beginning, I developed a daily spiritual practice of praying, reading devotionals, and listening to positive messages first thing in the morning. Then, I started to face myself and began to open my H.E.A.R.T. by applying the following:

HEALTHY HABITS. Initially, CrossFit helped me to release the anger I felt about the heartache. Later, I found nourishment through my budding yoga practice. Whether you go on nature walks or take a Zumba class, find a physical activity that allows you to channel your emotions in a positive way!

EASE UP ON YOURSELF. Do not expect to operate at the same pace as you did before. If you used to check off ten things from your daily To-Do list in the past, maybe the best you can do now is to make sure you take a shower each day. Extending yourself grace will allow you to evolve at your own pace.

ACCEPT THE THINGS (AND PEOPLE) YOU CANNOT CHANGE. You cannot change other people, but you can change your response to their behavior. Many times people act out of their own hurt or project their unresolved issues onto you. Do not join their game. It is a waste of energy and time.

READ AND WRITE. I have read the Bible, Brene Brown, Iyanla Vanzant and other books to process what was going on. Reading can refill you, while writing releases your emotions on a deeper level. When the pen hits the paper, you will be amazed by what you learn about yourself.

THERAPY. THERAPY. THERAPY. I know that our culture is shining a light on mental illness and health, but it is needed right now. Finding the right therapist for you is like having a paid best friend who is equipped to help you navigate the pain as you begin to chart a new path.

Sis, if you are hurting right now, I realize it is easier to close your heart than to muster the courage to move forward. Trust that even a little effort in applying the tools mentioned is still a step forward. Choosing to grow through the pain will help you to heal your WHOLE self.

You are reading this because I have grown through things that many people have experienced. None of my growth would have been possible if I did not resolve to heal myself and choose to be open to love again. What I have learned is that closed hearts don’t get closure.

Shavonne Holton

is a certified yoga instructor, host of Ladies Night Podcast, and author of Dating Daddy: Realizing God as Father through Daddy Issues and Bad Romance. She lives in San Diego, CA. (Photo by Cliff Canon, Feb. 2018)